Learning how to relax

I recently discovered I don’t know how to relax, so I am now learning how to relax.  I’m 40 years old, and I don’t know how to relax.  I’ve probably known this for a long time deep-down, but it’s become more and more evident lately.  I’ve just moved to a new “part-time” 4-day work schedule, and this was something I asked for a year ago.  It took some time to make it happen, but it’s now here.  I am about a month into it, and I have many learnings and realizations in my first few weeks.  One of the biggest learnings is that I don’t know how to relax.

I have been trained to get things done since I have probably four years old.  I don’t know how or why it started exactly.  I was always a productive and active kid.  I created these entrepreneurial side hustle businesses when I was too young to have a real job, then I started babysitting, and then when I was 14, I got a part-time job at a neighborhood grocery store, and since then, I’ve been working non-stop.  I take pride in the work I do, and I work hard.  But I work too hard.  I give too much of myself to work.  I probably always knew this, but I started realizing it more and more when I was 30, and then more when I had my first child at 31, and then as I started to raise kids and have other demands in my life.  I worked longer hours than most people around me, and I was often rewarded for it.  I built a successful career and reputation.  I also realized that I was giving 200%, and if I just gave 140% (that’s a precisely calculated number), I could retain my sanity and still do a good job.

So I started this new 4-day schedule, and I have a day off each week now.  I have these long to-do lists of what I want to get done on my new “day off.”  From starting a veggie garden to writing more on this blog to doing more with my podcast to catching up on emails and bills.  I’m just often behind on all things related to my personal life, and I hate the feeling of being behind.  I want to use this time to get more organized.  But I also want to use this time just to relax and have more margin in my life.  I’ve been running at a fast pace and burning myself at both ends for 30+ years, yes, since I was ten years old.  And I need a break.  I’ve felt it in my bones and my soul for the last few years.  I knew I needed this break. I knew I needed to change something in my life.  And I’ve been proud of myself for making the change, but I’m still learning how to make it.  I know I need to relax, but I didn’t realize I didn’t know how to relax.

I am learning what relaxes me. 

• Going for a walk while listening to an audiobook or podcast.
• Watching TV.
• Reading a good blog, article, or book while sitting in a comfortable chair or a hammock.
• Taking a hot bath with these eucalyptus scented Epsom salts (and listening to a book or watching TV while in the tub)
• Enjoying a nice cup of coffee, quietly and alone.
• Sometimes cleaning relaxes me if I’m in the right mood and am listening to a good book or podcast while doing it.

I am learning to schedule and be intentional about my relaxation time.  It might sound a bit type-A to schedule time to relax, but I’ve learned I have to do it.  It was a suggestion from my husband recently.  He suggested I put “relax” or the specific relaxing things on my to-do list.  It sounded a little silly at first, but I realized I love the idea after a bit of thought.

I am learning why rest and downtime are essential and the role they play in my life.  It matters.  It makes me a better person when I am working.  It makes me a better parent.  It makes me a better boss.  It makes me a better wife.  It just makes me happier.  I need to remember all of these things so that I prioritize it in my life.

I am learning to ask for my “me time” and any associated help and not feel guilty about it.  My husband is amazing on many levels, one of which is he never gives me a hard time if I say I am going to have a girl’s dinner, walk with friends, go for a run, or anything where I ditch him with three kids.  But I often feel guilty when I do this.  I am learning I shouldn’t feel guilty and that telling him or anyone else what I need is OK.

I am learning to compartmentalize.  Compartmentalizing things is something I have gotten exponentially better at in the last five years, and I think meditation is the main reason why.  Or perhaps it’s just the wisdom that comes with more years on Earth.  I am learning that I can have 58 things on my to-do list while still taking some time to relax, and those things will be there for me when I get back.  I can put my feelings of stress on hold for a while, and I can put the things I need to do on hold.  It’s OK.  I will never be done with all of the things I want to do in life anyway, so why not take a well-deserved break to refresh and recharge.

I am learning that just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.  I am learning to set boundaries around my commitments so that I have more time to relax.  I am learning I don’t have to say yes to everything.  Just because I am capable of doing something doesn’t mean I have to do it.  It is not my job to do everything that seems to be a need around me, at work, in my community.  I can still be a helpful and valuable member of my community and not do everything for everyone.

I am learning to be kind to myself.  I have such high expectations for myself and those around me.  I have a “be kind” flag up above our main door that we all walk in and out of many times a day.  I bought it and put it there to be a reminder for us, yet somehow I am the least kind to myself.

I am learning how to relax!  I’ve learned so much in my forty years on this Earth, yet somehow I was a bit delayed in learning how to relax.  Better late than never.  I am proud of myself for recognizing the need and learning opportunity and for being kind to myself as I learn this vital skill.

Written while listening to Oh Wonder (my favorite music for relaxing!)

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