My burn the boats moment

About eighteen months ago, I had a “burn the boats” discussion with a VP in HR about my career goals, or lack thereof.  I told her that I didn’t want to advance at the company, that this would be my last corporate job, and that I needed a sabbatical or to move to part-time as soon as possible.  I was afraid to have this discussion, but I did it, and I am so glad I did.  I burned the boats, and her response was amazing.  She was understanding and supportive, and within a year, I had everything I asked for.

Burn the Boats

I had heard the phrase Burn the Boats from our CMO earlier that year.  She was telling a story during a leadership meeting, and the concept stuck with me.  I frequently used it to reference various “no regrets” things we needed to move to and stick with.  There are multiple versions and accounts of where it came from, but one of the more popular ones comes from the Spanish conquest of Mexico in 1519 AD.  Hernán Cortés, a Spanish commander, purposefully sank his troop’s ships so that his men would have no choice but to fight to conquer the country or be killed trying.  There are many versions or accounts of this story, and for my purposes here, I’m less concerned with accurate historical representation and more so with the key takeaway from the spirit of what is here.  The phrase “burn the boats” is a rallying cry to make some big moves and fight hard for what you want.  When you always think there’s an easy path out or a way to back out of a decision or a commitment, you won’t try as hard.  You might retreat and get back on the boat at the first sign of difficulty and go home.  But if you burn the boat, then you can’t just go back home.  You have no choice but to try as hard as you can.  I frequently take the safe and risk-free path in life. I have rarely burned any boats in my life.  I was finally at a point where I wanted to burn the boats, and for me, that was having a tough and honest discussion with HR.

The conversation I was afraid to have

I had worked at this company for 13 years and had many successes, been promoted through the ranks from Manager to Director to Head Of to Vice President.  Most people at my company thought well of me and considered me a potential future successor of other senior roles.  Though this is once what I wanted and what I thought would make me happy, it was no longer what I wanted.  I had been feeling it inside for a couple of years, though it was growing slowly.  I had discovered the concept of financial independence retire early, and I supercharged what had already been me living below my means for a decade.  I saved up a lot of money and now had options, and with those options, I realized this isn’t what I wanted anymore.  I saw my time with my kids slipping away, my lack of being present with friends and family, my overall stress and anxiety, and I wanted something else for my life.

I finally had the courage to say this aloud to someone else.  I told this VP in HR that I loved working at this company, that this would be the last corporate job I ever had, and that I wanted to keep working there for as long as it was mutually beneficial to the company and me.  I also said I couldn’t do the job I was doing at the time for much longer.  I told her I either needed a sabbatical or to move to part-time.  I knew this wouldn’t work well for the role I was in, but I also knew it was time for me to move on to another position for many other reasons.

She was incredibly supportive.  She understood and said she wanted to find something that used my superpowers in an area where the company needed that skill set.   She had some initial thoughts on what those could be.  This was the best possible outcome I could have imagined.  I was mentally and financially prepared for this conversation going another way.  I was prepared that she would write me off as not committed, put me “out to pasture,” no longer support me, or hurt the reputation I had worked so hard to build.  Though this wasn’t how I wanted it to go, but I was prepared this could happen.  I was incredibly thankful, appreciative, and lucky that this isn’t how it went.  She was as kind and supportive of a human being as I could expect from anyone in this situation, and I am forever grateful.  

What happens after you burn the boats

Not all burn the boats moments are as sudden or memorable as burning your boats and going into battle to win or die trying.  It could be a small but meaningful moment in time that sets up the foundation for what needs to happen next.  This was the case for my moment.  It was big in my eyes because I was sharing new news with people, and I was being honest about what I wanted and didn’t want.  But it wasn’t as earth-shattering or sudden as some people’s burn the boats moments might be.  I didn’t walk into the office, quit my job, make a great speech, and walk out.  There wasn’t a significant mic drop.  That’s not my style.

I needed to give myself and my company a chance to see what we could make work knowing my truth, and then with that, I could decide to try something else or leave my job altogether.  In this case, it turns out there was value in trying something else.  And I am now on that journey.  The journey took a little time.  After I shared my truth, we talked about the types of roles I might want to move into and what sort of work schedule I was ideally wanting.  And then a couple of months later, a global pandemic hit, and I work in the travel industry, so it hit us hard.  We were all suddenly working from home. We were dealing with closed hotels all over the world. We were facing furloughs and job losses.  Given the environment, I didn’t check in on our discussions.  I instead got into action mode on the things I had to do to keep my team afloat, keep our business running, and now virtual school three kids from home.  I was patient.

I knew we’d get through this tough time and eventually pick up the discussion and next steps.  Then a few months into quarantine, I got a call from her saying there was a role I could move into that was exactly what I wanted to do, and I could move to part-time at 80% pay.  This new 4-day a week role was the start, and I could potentially move to 3-days a week in the future, but we’d start with four days.  I wasn’t expecting this phone call at this time, but I immediately said yes.  A few weeks later, things were announced publicly with some other org changes, and I slowly transitioned into my new role.  Many emotions came with this change, and I was sad to leave the team I had been working with for 12+ years, but I was ultimately so happy with this change.  It was what I dreamt of when I had this burn the boats discussion.  She handed me everything I asked for.  It’s not everything I want in the future, but it’s an important step in the right direction.

What I learned from burning the boats

This was only one small but important burn the boats moment for me, and I will hopefully have many more.  It was a pivotal moment on my journey and part of the process I need to go through.  This thirty-minute conversation that I was so afraid to have reminded me that:

• I still sweat profusely and get super nervous before important or stressful conversations. This will likely never change, though I seem to sweat a little less during subsequent burn the boat discussions.
• I have the courage, to be honest with myself and others.
• I owe it to myself and others to be honest, and share my truths.
• I need to stop being afraid of what will happen if I disappoint others or buck what I think is “normal” and expected.
• It’s okay to march to the beat of my own drum. I don’t have to want what some other people seem to want.  I don’t have to want a big fancy house, a fancy car, and the material trappings that seem to come with working myself to the bone.
• Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should do something.
• I should burn more boats. I can always build a new boat or mode of transportation if I change my mind.

Are there any boats you need to burn?

I encourage you to think about what boats you might need to burn in your life.  What are you afraid to tell someone?  Are you being honest with yourself and those around you?  Do you need to make a change somewhere in your life?  Do you need to have a conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling?

I’m not suggesting you do anything rash or don’t think through things, but I suggest you don’t delay and don’t let fear drive your approach.  Talk to your friends and family or engage with a like-minded audience that supports and lives the way you want to live.  Be thoughtful and intentional, and then go and burn a boat!

Written while listening to Boulevard of broken dream by Green Day

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